the canadian expatriate turned repatriated british national (don't choke on it, kids).

my best friend moved across the atlantic at the turn of the new year. in the grand scheme of things, he pretty much uprooted and transplanted the bulk of his life without any real planning or safety net. it's been three weeks since he landed on theretofore foreign (thenceforth "home" - in both the geographical- and citizenship-based senses) soil, and already he's found not only a great place to live, but also a job that pays well, is mere blocks from his door, and fits him like a glove.

and i can't help but feel proud of him. genuinely proud. like "small-glimpse-of-what-parents-must-feel-when-their-kids-do-something-great" proud. at first i felt selfish, as if i shouldn't feel proud. after all, they're not my accomplishments, and i certainly had nothing to do with his success, right? right. was i stealing his thunder for personal use? or riding his coattails to gain my own momentum? no way, i say.

then i realized what it was.

he's my best friend. not a good friend. a best friend. we've been friends long enough, shared enough, and invested enough in our friendship, that over the sessions, car rides, classes skipped, late nights and early breakfasts, he's become a larger part of my existence than i'd yet even noticed. i feel proud because he feels proud (or sure as hell should, anyway). so there you have it; i'd never sympathized pride before. maybe i've never had a friend go for theirs in such an inspiring way before. perhaps i had, but didn't recognize or appreciate it. but any way you spin it, the symmetry of it leaves it just as it was...


...god damn i'm proud of that kid.


one - first to that one, and then to all the rest,
jh..

i write and write and erase and erase. i've written a good half dozen entries since the last, but all of them read as garbage when i look them over. so instead i'll just post the quotes that i was going to write on inspiration by.

"found myself a new hustle, it was beautiful / and none like the one before - a bit more suitable." - dizzee rascal, 'dream'

"back in the days when i was young... i'm not a kid any more, but some days i sit and wish i was a kid again." ahmad feat. pharcyde, 'back in the day'

i'll write more soon. i promise. in the meantime, enjoy the pictures. and let me know what you think. foreal. (thanks g. thanks kat. represent for the comment crew, word life.)

peaceloveandgoodsleep.
jh..

q-lab.staticvisualcommunication

a photolog? why the hell not. when i have nothing decent to write, like right now, i can cop out by posting pictures of the sky instead.

click-click-view

thanks.
peace.
jh..

"this is food for thought, so grab a buffet plate" - digable planets

it's amazing how it happens: how just like "that!" time disappears. even time yet to come. the semester seemed to stretch on into the hazy future like a lazy dream - until the phone started to ring. and in the course of one calendar day, it appears that i no longer have an afternoon on any given weekday. though it may appear so to the untrained eye, i'm actually not complaining. honest. of course it would wonderful to abandon all responsibility and live whim to whim, but that's just not life for people who aren't paris hilton now, is it? no, i'm not complaining, just musing, yet again, on that thing we call time. and moreso on existence. which leads me to think of something that perhaps you, too, would like to think about.

what actually exists?

lets think about this. what actually concretely exists? do you and i exist, objectively? what are we, anyway?

the retort sounds loudly, "i'm me. are you blind?" i don't think i'm blind, but maybe i am thinking about things differently. it seems to me that it's possible that the 'you' you claim to be only exists in the mind's eye of the beholder. because in the strictly objective physical sense, you're nothing more than a collection of atoms, ions, and energy. in fact, at any given moment, the atoms that make up 'you' are being swapped for millions upon millions of other atoms in the space around and in you. the skin you wear today isn't the same skin as you wore yesterday, and there's about zero chance that it even contains an atom of the skin you were in when you were born. 'you' are being continuously built up and broken down, every second of every day of your life.

my point is this: virtually nothing in the universe remains static. everything is continually changing. atoms move, change form, combine, split, decay, are created from the vacuum. the 'you' that exists at this instant in time (if indeed you can actually pinpoint an instant in time), i can promise you, is not the exact same as the 'you' that exists at this instant in time.

nor at this instant.

and most certainly not at this one.

do you see what i mean? the whole, of course, is much greater than the sum of the parts. i am, after all, sitting here writing this for you to read, all the while very much conscious of 'myself'. but does the 'me' that exists in my mind actually exist in the objective physical universe? or is it just the universe that exists in the universe?

if there existed only two electrons in the universe (asid from the vacuum), i would argue that a 'pair' of electrons still wouldn't exist. "preposterous!" you scream. "you just said there are two electrons. that's a pair!" yes, yes i did say that there are two electrons. but i also said that those two electrons are all that exist. it seems to me that a 'pair' isn't a thing, but an idea representing the co-existence of two things (also potentially just concepts themselves). does a "pair" exist in this rather empty, two-electron universe? if your answer is yes, then my question is how? how does that thing exist as something other than an idea? it seems to me that a "pair" is just an idea. so how could it possibly exist without anyone there to think it? and for that matter, if you stubbornly insist that the pair does in deed exist in our made-up two-atom universe, then does that not mean that everything (and i mean e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g) else must also exist in this two-atom universe? it would have to. if a "pair" exists there, then the idea of a pair must exist. and vice versa. the existence of one is both sufficient and necessary for the existence of the other. but why stop there? why not also allow the idea of a "trio" to exist? after all, we could just say that a "pair" is two-thirds of a "trio". so our two electrons are simply a fraction of what would be a "trio". and then why not allow positrons to exist as well? the electron is negatively charged (uh-oh...is that just another concept as well?), and negative can't exist without positive, can it? the electron is simply the negative anti-particle partner of the positive positron, so how could one exist without the other? at this point, why not allow the existence of elephants with sharks on their backs, stomping and devouring everything in their paths? if jack handey can think it up, it exists as far as your "pair" is concerned.

so it seems that if one idea can exist, then it's a pandora's box we're opening up. every other possible idea must be allowed to exist as well. and since we'd erroneously be assuming that the existence of ideas is equivalent to concrete existence, all of those things that the ideas represent would actually have to exist as well.

the ultimate point is that ideas and concepts are not only quite interesting, but also very useful and practical for us as humans. however, as far as concrete existence is concerned, they're doomed to an eternity in existential purgatory. when all is said and done, concepts don't exist outside of the neural circuits that mark their existence. they transcend reality. they exist in imagination. and only in imagination.

so, back to the original question. what exists? i'm tempted to say that all that exists is all that exists. it sounds like nonsense, but when it becomes clear in your mind, it quickly seems to be the only thing that makes any sense at all. let it roll around in your head for a bit first, then holla at me.

one.
jh..

from '94 'til infinity

*please note that the word 'skateboarding' can, and should, be used completely interchangeably with either 'snowboarding' or 'skiing,' and the article will still read the exact same - content and sentiment both.

thanks to g, i watched 'hot chocolate' (the Chocolate Skateboards video) tonight when i got home; in part because i had naught else to do; in part because i miss skateboarding. more specifically, i miss skateboarding with my friends. skating has a lot to do with rolling around on a skateboard. it has a lot to do with learning new tricks and progressing; with pushing yourself until your hands, feet, shins, knees, elbows, and just about anything else you can name are swollen, black, and blue; or scraped, red, and raw. it has a lot to do with wanting to look cool, both on and off a skateboard. it has a lot to do with having the newest and dopest shoes, pants, shirt, hat, jacket, wheels, trucks, deck, backpack, sticker on you mom's minivan, blah, blah, blah.

the most important thing about skateboarding, though, in my experience, is the friends that you do it with. landing your first [kickflip, 5-stair, boardslide, insertgenerictrickhere] is something in itself. but sharing it with your best friends is what makes it truly memorable. i can't recall half of the tricks that i might have landed at any given spot, or any given trip, but i can remember the jokes that were made, the stories that were told, and the people that were there. skateboarding is about being together.

as much as team sports create great memories and experiences to be treasured, it seems to me that skateboarding does the same in even greater capacity. you're there with those people - day in and day out - because you want to be. you're not put on a team with them based on skill or geographic location. you're not there to get a scholarship to university, or to win the national championships. there are no national championships in skateboarding. not real skateboarding anyway. your 'teammates' are your best friends. there's a lot to be said for that. in a lot of unique ways things are more intense, more involved, more emotional, more memorable. it really makes all the difference in the world.

as much as skateboarders are seen as punks, rebels, or degenerates, the skateboarders i know are as sensitive, thoughtful, and emotional as your most indie of indie rockers. skateboarding runs deep. it's a way of life. it changes the way you look at the world, figuratively and literally. skateboarders can't walk down the street without scouring everything they see for possible skate spots. everyone who skateboards is a kid in that respect: your imagination is almost constantly running, scrutinizing handrails, ledges, sets of stairs. "what trick can i do here?" "man, could you roll up to that rail?" aw, shit, wouldn't it be sick if you ollied up to that part, gapped to that part and then 5-0ed that last bit?" "dude, could you back-tail that ledge?" "fo'real? back-tail kickflip fakie?" i've never done a back-tail kickflip fakie in my life, nor even attempted it, but i've thought about it a million times. how it would look. how you could shoot it. where you'd set up the lamp to light it at night. how it would look in slow motion. what song would be perfect for it on video. how sick it would be to be there when someone finally lands it. how great it is to just be there anyway - tired, sore, drenched in sweat, hungry - sitting on a ledge with your best friends, sharing the moment. watching videos. reading magazines. talking shit about pros who'd school your ass in 5 tricks in a game of S-K-A-T-E. the list is endless.

it's not to say that other things can't be the same way, but for me skateboarding was different. there's just nothing else like it, and that had everything to do with my friends.

so, thanks, to the VBC.
without you guys this me just wouldn't be.

one,
jh..

.

.

homesick

"You know that point in your life when you realize that the house that you grew up in isn't really your home any more? All of a sudden, even though you have some place to put your shit, that idea of home is gone ... and you can never get it back. It's like you get homesick for a place that doesn't exist. I mean it's like this rite of passage, you know? You won't have that feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, for your kids, for the family you start. It's like a cycle or something... Maybe that's all family really is: a group of people who miss the same imaginary place." Andrew Largeman - Garden State

i've tried a lot in the past few days, but i simply can't remember that feeling:
-----that the place where i live is "home."
i remember having the feeling.
a very long, long time ago.
near the length of my lifetime ago.
but i can't, for the life of me, remember how it felt.

__________________________________

the only times in my life that i can truly remember feeling 'at home' had nothing at all to do with being in a place; they had everything in the world to do with being with a person.

everywhere i was felt like home if she was there, too.

here's a hug if you're homesick, too.
jh..